THE QUEST FOR THE MOST ’90s FILM OF ALL TIME
Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit

The original Sister Act worked because it placed a likable comedienne into a high-concept situation and let her run. It let Whoopi Goldberg do everything she does well, and it ended up being easy to watch, if not slightly heartwarming.

Sister Act 2, however, should be taught in some masterclass on how not to make sequels. Under the guise of reacquainting us with everything we love, it suspends all logic and respect for the audience. In the process, it creates a world that is paradoxically larger-scale and cheaper-feeling. (I expected so much more from Scott Rudin.) For our purposes though, you couldn’t ask for much more. A fish-out-of-water/inner-city school hybrid with a pun in the title? My prayers have been answered.

STARS/PERFORMANCES-
- Actors Who Are Unquestionably Tied to the Decade- Whoopi Goldberg [+10]
About a year after her adventures in a convent, Goldberg’s Deloris is no longer hiding from the mob. She’s back on her grind headlining shows in Las Vegas, which means she sings ten seconds of famous songs with a quasi-religious context that wouldn’t make sense to anyone in her audience. At least we get a snazzy establishing montage of Vegas [+2].


“Oh no! There’s something wrong with the wires! She’s flying all over the place!” [+2]

Her nun pals from the first movie show up unannounced and drop a bomb on her: The whole convent has been shipped to San Francisco for some reason, and they’re now struggling at St. Francis, a school that is on the verge of being shut down and turned into a parking lot* [+2]. Despite Deloris’ lack of both teaching experience and religious conviction, the nuns need her to commit fraud again help them with a music class in an attempt to turn things around. Within five minutes, Deloris has left her presumably lucrative gig to teach music appreciation in a failing school. Because if there’s one thing cash-strapped schools love to do, it’s hire an extra instructor to teach one section of an extraneous elective. Tighten those belts, archdiocese!

- Other Notable Actors/Characters- [+15]- Maggie Smith, Kathy Najimy, James Coburn, Michael Jeter, Lauryn Hill, Alanna Ubach, Jennifer Love Hewitt
James Coburn, the school representative who seems to want the school to close (something vague about an early retirement [+1]), is suspicious of our heroine; but, before we know it, Whoopi’s scratching a blackboard to get the kids’ attention [+2]. And it works! These problem kids are supposed to be such a teacher’s nightmare, but Whoopi tells them to stop their rap battles [+1] and move the desks back, and they do it. They let her take roll as if this is the military or something. What kind of rebellious kids are they?

The Kinds of Rebellious Kids They Are:
1. Afrocentric dude who complains about being referred to by his “slave name” [+2].
2. Guy who flashes artistic ability. He’s named “Sketch” [+1].
3. Girlie Girl who does nothing in the movie other than powder her nose and ask, “What are we going to wear?” [+1]
4. Nerd
5. Perpetrating White Gangster who goes by Frank-kay and says things like “slammin’,” “wack,” and “word up” [+4].

They’re rough-around-the-edges, but Whoopi is so damn real with these kids. When they make “yo momma” jokes [+2] and she fires them right back, they have no choice but to change their tunes…literally! After a spirited dusting-off-the-music-room montage [+3], we find out that they are, without exception, amazing singers (except for the obligatory Shy Kid Who Has to “Find Her Voice” [+1]). Full speed ahead to the ALL-STATE COMPETITION [+2], right?

Not so fast. Lauryn Hill plays the lone holdout who doesn’t buy into the new regime [+2]. For example, she declares Music Appreciation a “bird class” and pulls a “who’s with me” walkout. When no one else takes her up on it, she sulks, “So much for friendship” [+1]. Then there are lots of scenes of, like, everyone else having fun, and we pan to her spying on them disapprovingly from the window. So you’re cutting class because you hate it, but you hate it so much that, in cutting, you attend it unofficially from a distance? Good plan.

In the back of your mind, you might end up thinking: “They clearly don’t need her. Why should I care about this sullen truant?” But then you hear Lauryn Hill sing by herself, and you remember that she’s Lauryn Hill. She’s so charismatic that you can’t help but want her on the team, even as the screenplay tries to ruin it for you. Anyway, Whoopi talks Lauryn into letting down her guard, only to have her mother pull the “Rita has to focus on her schoolwork” [+3]. Oh no! Nevermind that this is a class, so her mom is basically giving the excuse that her daughter has so much schoolwork that she can’t focus on schoolwork. Sounds like somebody will show up late to the competition and have her eyes opened by her daughter’s talent [+2]. I could keep going, but I don’t want to spoil the competition for you guys. Underdog St. Francis is facing off against a suburban school with fancy uniforms, so the outcome might not be what you expect. What I’m saying is that St. Francis might need a little extra attitude (overalls and rapping) to overcome the perfect pitch of the rich kids. What I’m saying is—okay, what you think happens is what actually happens.

I’m not buying it either, L-Boogie. Remember when cats used to harmonize?

TECHNOLOGY/CULTURAL RELICS
- Could the Plot Reasonably Occur with Current Technology?
I don’t see why not [-10]. But considering that schools require background checks and fingerprinting, I doubt someone with no qualifications whatsoever could pose as a certified nun for very long.

References/Artifacts
Somebody makes a Western Union joke, and Whoopi says that her alias of Sister Mary Clarence is pronounced like “Clarence Thomas,” since that’s hilarious [+2]. Never forget. She impresses the kids with her knowledge of Run DMC and Big Daddy Kane as well, though those references were already dated in ‘93 [+2]. Kids wear HBCU gear, which was briefly a thing in the early ’90s [+1].

In a hapless teachers’ meeting that the Whoopster has to shake up, someone mumbles something about a desire to teach “new math,” which was a ’60s pedagogy used during the Space Race [+1]. Maybe St. Francis deserves to be a parking lot if it isn’t even teaching algebra yet.


“Red like a snapper when they do that / Got your whole block sayin’ true dat / If only you knew that / It was you who was irregular / Sold your soul for some secular / Muzak that’s wack / Plus, you use that loop over and over / Claiming that you got a new style / Your attempts are futile / Oooo chile!”

- Hacking/Computers
I wish the nuns had tapped into the mainframe or something to change records. (I can picture Kathy Najimy typing in random passwords until she busts in.) But it turns out the nuns just prey on people’s trust in them as the, you know, figurative wives of the Lord to get away with their lies.

- Other Technological Notes/References
Just a Walkman [+1].

FASHION
This one’s a doozy. Besides more snapbacks than an Odd Future concert, we get muscle shirts, baggy jeans, ponytails, vests, overalls, hooded t-shirts, shirts open to shirts, and Timberlands [+9]. Throw in an electric blue suit and a sock-hat, then top it off with some Cross Colours [+3]. Everything is everything, you know?

’90s FILM CONVENTIONS

Eavesdropping at the Perfect Moment to Hear a Crucial Bit of Information [+5]

White Nerd Talking “Like a Black Guy” in Hilarious Fashion [+3]
Barring a Door to Lock Someone Into a Closet (Bonus for “Let Me Out of Here This Instant!”) [+3]

Double-Take Directly Into Camera [+1]
Jokes about Bidets [+1]

OTHER
This movie is directed by Bill Duke. The real Bill Duke. It also has three separate editors, which is more than Koyaanisqatsi if you’re scoring at home.

One thing stuck with me: During the climactic competition, the St. Francis kids are intimidated by a rich school with fancy uniforms [+1]. The song both schools perform during this high-stakes competition? “Joyful, Joyful,” which is a “Joy to the World” adaptation that is eight notes or so. That’s your A game? You don’t want to stretch beyond something I can play with an orange?

FINAL TALLY
I miss Lauryn Hill. 82 points.

*- Always the parking lots with these movies. Who would invest in a new parking structure across from a convent in an impoverished neighborhood? Is parking such a problem in the area that we have to start tearing down schools for it?