THE QUEST FOR THE MOST ’90s FILM OF ALL TIME
The Net

From the writers of Catwoman comes an edge-of-your seat, action-packed techno-thriller ripped straight from the headlines! Or a Sandra Bullock vehicle that, like most Sandra Bullock vehicles, never rises a shade above mediocre or cliched, even if it’s never outright terrible.

Bullock plays Angela Bennett, some kind of software beta-tester who is great at her job. We know this because we get a lot of scenes of people telling her stuff like, “You’re a life-saver, Angela!” over the phone as she spits all-too-sensical jargon at them.

I say “all-too-sensical” jargon because, to a viewer fifteen years later, none of the things Angela is doing are esoteric. We’re supposed to think it’s futuristic that she orders pizza delivery online, but that’s the only way I ever order it anymore. We’re supposed to be impressed that she buys plane tickets over the Internet, but I don’t even know how to order plane tickets any other way. The film exists in a weird window of time. It had to hand-hold or simplify its information to even make sense to the average 1995 viewer*, but it seems silly and outdated fifteen years later. The title itself—a faux-hip shortening of Internet—casts something now quotidian as something novel and cutting-edge.

STARS/PERFORMANCES
- Actors Who Are Unquestionably Tied to the Decade- Sandra Bullock [+10]
I wrote about Bullock in an earlier entry for this column. This performance was a bit of a departure from the girl-next-door goofs she was playing before, but it’s not as if The Net was a challenging stretch or anything. Again, she’s never terrible, but she’s never good either. And, as always, no boobs.

- Other Notable Actors/Characters- Dennis Miller [+5]
Much like Jon Stewart, Denny Miller gladly took studios’ money throughout the mid-’90s, cashing in on Bordello of Blood, Murder at 1600, and Disclosure before anyone thought to ask if he could act. Here, he plays The Only Person Angela Can Trust [+1], an oily, fast-talking therapist. It should be mentioned here that Dennis Miller Live was one of the best talk shows of all-time, and Miller’s stint on Monday Night Football was grossly underrated.


“Hey, babe, it’s not that I don’t believe ya, but you’ve gotta admit this is pretty far-fetched, mmkay?”

Also, Rose from Lost [+1] pops up near the end. Otherwise, it’s anonymous henchmen talking to Jeremy Northam on the phone about how Angela is “on the move” or whatever.

TECHNOLOGY/CULTURAL RELICS
- Could the Plot Reasonably Occur with Current Technology?
Yes [-10]. If anything, stealing someone’s identity and framing them for crimes is easier.

- Hacking/Computers, Other Technological Notes
Without a doubt, The Net maxes out in this category. It is Angela’s job to test software for security breaches, and she accidentally comes across a virus that stores compromising information about our government and a recently-disgraced politician. Bad dudes want this virus, and they steal her identity and frame her for crimes to try to track her down. Allow me to start with Bullock’s first scene:

Using the ergonomic keyboard [+1] on her industry standard Mac [+1], which, like all of her other computer peripherals, is a gross off-white color [+1], Angela plays Doom [+1], which she describes to someone on the phone as “a very dynamic game.” Her computer talks to her [+5], explaining what is presumably on her screen, as she navigates web sites with frames [+1] and a program filled with Clip-Art [+1]. She finds a virus, which means that her screen flashes “YOU ARE DEAD!” over and over [+1], and she saves the virus to a floppy disk [+1]. It turns out there’s another techno-savvy beta-tester who trades these files with her for curiosity’s sake, so she SEALS THE FLOPPY DISK INTO AN ENVELOPE AND PHYSICALLY MAILS IT TO HIM [+1,453]. Her work being done, she logs into a chat room [+1] that is unrealistically—again, for our entertainment benefit—animated with goofy icons [+1]. When usernames like Cyberbob* [+1]—because people on the Internet like to point out that they are using computers—chat with her, we once again hear a computer voice read their words [+1] not because the filmmakers don’t expect us to read, but because a computer expert would definitely not find it annoying for a monotone voice to read everything on her computer to her. That’s Bulloock’s first scene of the movie.


In her mind, she was already on the set of Speed 2: Cruise Control.

We’re also treated to flip-phones [+1], Segas [+1], bigass laptops [+1], monochrome monitors [+1], Polaroid cameras [+1], payphones [+1], 14.4 modem noises [+1], video rentals [+1], and wired Internet connections [+1]. I think I need a cigarette.

- References
The only original song on the soundtrack is Annie Lennox’s cover of “Whiter Shade of Pale,” [+3] since “Whiter Shade of Pale” is about computers and all. Good thing that’s an imperfect song that needed to be remade.

FASHION
For a short time, Bullock was such a huge star that she became a fashion icon as well. Here, she’s outfitted in a style that could best be described as “baggy Blossom.” We’re talking Blossom hat [+1] and sweaters that manage to be both baggy [+1] and midriff-baring [+1]. (Won’t you be cold, Sandy?) Other characters wear double-breasted suits [+1], flannel [+1], tie-dye [+1], denim shirts [+1], and the long-forgotten elephant-leg pants [+3].


Why women are stupid, reason infinity.

90s FILM CONVENTIONS
Guns Jamming at a Time That Is Very Convenient for the Protagonist [+1]
A Dude Guessing Where a Woman is From to Show How Worldly and Sophisticated He Is [+1]
Mother with Alzheimer’s [+1]
Mother with Alzheimer’s Making It Obvious to the Audience by Asking If Her Daughter Will Bring Her Candy, Even Though Her Daughter Just Brought Her Candy, Like, Five Minutes Ago [+1]
AIDS Panic [+1]
Sneaking Away from a Crime Scene by Wearing a Fireman Costume to Blend In with Them [+3]
Character Saying Aloud What She Is Typing [+3]
A Character Can’t Hear an Important Phone Call Because She’s Blow-Drying Her Hair [+3]
Directly Expressing the Theme of the Film in a Line of Dialogue [+3]: “Our whole lives are on computers!”
Villains Explaining Their Entire Plan to the Hero but Not Killing Her When They Have the Chance [+5]

OTHER
Every time I started to appreciate this movie as a pure thriller, it would do something to piss me off. For example, Bullock is on a boat with a Don Juan who is secretly trying to kill her and steal the virus in her purse. As he takes them to uncharted territory, we notice that the mini-yacht is dragging a bulky raft behind it at top speeds. Before we can ask, “Why is he dragging a bulky raft behind them at top speeds,” Bullock knocks him out with a champagne bottle and conveniently sails away on said lifeboat. Awkward, overly-convenient things like that happen throughout.


“But she has so many tattoos!”

The film also uses meaningless Macguffins to bail themselves out. Bullock clears her name with some function of the virus called “Terminal Echo,” but the film never bothers to explain what that is to us or why it’s important.

On a final note, the falling action of this movie is wrapped up so fast that I would guess Irwin Winkler was contractually obligated to deliver a cut under two hours and couldn’t do it otherwise. Bullock pushes the Bad Guy off a platform, and the computer virus is destroyed. Then she is shown working in a home with Alzheimer Mom, limiting her computer use now, and we get a news report that Bad Guy 2 is dead too. To call it an abrupt ending is an understatement: This all happens in less than three minutes of screen-time. The filmmakers must have been just as tired of The Net as I was.

Overall, the film scores a robust 78, putting it near the top of the standings.

*- There’s a moment at which a character in a chat room types “IRL,” and there’s a short pause. Surely they’ll explain what IRL means, I thought. And not a second later, Sandy does just that.
*- If your movie contains the prefix “cyber” at any point, it probably isn’t any good.