I usually hate the hyperbole of someone saying, “x or y is raping my childhood,” but Weezer is seriously raping my adolescence. It’s like my adolescence just came into Weezer’s room to see his new fish tank, and my adolescence thinks it’s a little weird that Weezer closed and locked the door behind him. But, you know, maybe my adolescence is overreacting. That couldn’t have been an evil smirk, right? Weezer wouldn’t do anything like that. He’s a cool guy. And my adolescence really shouldn’t have had two Four Lokos and is feeling light-headed now. And is the music too loud for anyone to hear?  And—stop invading my adolescence’s personal space, Weezer. Let’s just go back to the party. Thank you for the compliment, but my adolescence doesn’t want to kiss you right now and oh my God—