THE QUEST FOR THE MOST ’90s FILM OF ALL TIME
The Bodyguard

I first saw The Bodyguard through the disgusting sheets of a motel bed outside of Atlanta when my family evacuated New Orleans for a tropical storm. After the devastation of Hurricane Andrew a year earlier, my parents were taking no chances, and they drove all day until they somehow, in a pre-Internet easter egg hunt, found a vacancy in Georgia. Wanting nothing more than to unwind after an exhausting day, they pay-per-viewed The Bodyguard, which, much to my surprise, was rated R.

Not even a year earlier, one of our biggest fights had been over their refusal to bring me to Terminator 2, (“Chris Curren saw it! I’m twice as mature as Chris Curren!”) but now they were blithely ordering salacious thrillers and watching them in the same room as me. So what did the most scrupulous nine year old of all time do? Not watch it with a tinge of adult inclusion, if that’s what you suspected. Instead, I, exhausted myself, ruined what was left of my parents’ night with not-so-silent protest of this seemingly hypocritical act. I “ooohed” every curse word, and I covered my face at any suggestion of sex, of which there were few. I remember this so well because it’s one of the last times I was supremely, genuinely juvenile.

Nearly twenty years later, I wish I could bring a naive perspective to this by-the-numbers thriller, but I’ve seen thousands of movies since then—many of them rated R. This isn’t my first hurricane.

STARS/PERFORMANCES-
- Actors Who Are Unquestionably Tied to the Decade- Kevin Costner [+10]
In the early ’90s, while being shuttled to and from school and various practices, I encountered a lot of White moms in their thirties, and every single one was hysterically obsessed with Kevin Costner. And I mean “hysterical” in the 17th century sense—like, the reactions of their own uteruses made them insane. His chiseled but approachable looks, combined with a penchant for accessible film roles, made him one of the biggest stars of the period. To give you an idea of how popular he was: My mother followed a limousine for an hour one afternoon because she knew JFK was filming in New Orleans, and the person in the limo might be Costner. (Too bad it was some fat guy on his way to the Convention Center. Eat it, Mom.)


I can’t say I’m excited about the Kevin Costner revival, but I’m setting my dial.

At the height of Costner-mania, he played Frank Farmer, a disgraced bodyguard who begins the movie at a personal low. We know this not because of the confusing, impressionistic prologue, but because there are lots of magazines piled up next to his door and his hand shakes when reaching for a glass [+3]. 

- Other Notable Actors/Characters- [+5]- Bill Cobbs, Mike Starr, Richard Schiff, Charles Keating
After a few scenes of Frank cooking dinner for himself and throwing knives [+3], the grizzled Bill Cobbs walks into his backyard with a special job opportunity. We learn from him that Frank is THE BEST THERE IS [+10], having been in the Secret Service and worked privately since then. If Frank’s up for it, there’s a lucrative job for a secretive client. Frank tells him thanks but no thanks, only because THE BEST THERE IS has to seem hesitant at this point in the movie. But, after throwing a few knives, he agrees.

The client paying him $2,000 a week is proto-Beyonce Rachel Marron, played by proto-Beyonce Whitney Houston—who isn’t terrible but isn’t given much to do. Frank walks in on an impossibly blue-lit music video rehearsal [+5] that is shooting in her house? There’s an obvious attraction, but she’s dismissive of him, saying, “You don’t look like no bodyguard” before retiring to read fan letters [+5]. Don’t you get it, Rachel? That’s why he’s THE BEST THERE IS. You don’t see him coming.

Bill Cobbs and Rachel’s cigar-chomping manager [+3] then take Frank upstairs to let him in on why he’s so desperately needed. It turns out, unbeknownst to Rachel, a stalker has been sending her death threats and breaking in to masturbate on her bed. (“Mom!”) They show Frank one of the death threats, and the manager is all like, “Obviously, a lot of work went into this.” But it’s just a piece of paper with letters cut out of a newspaper. I’ve seen more elaborate death threats.

Anyway, Frank seals the house and ups security. Most of the conflict of the movie’s early scenes comes from him trying to protect Rachel from the unknown threat as she tries to undermine him with her hunger for the spotlight. Plus, he has to put up with Mike Starr, the bodyguard she already has. Even though Frank presumably makes his job easier, this bodyguard holds a pointless grudge and gives him the whole, “Listen up, new blood. This is how it works around here” routine [+3]. At an overly-complicated club dust-up, Frank makes him look bad by, you know, saving Rachel, and we don’t see much more of him.

Out of nowhere, Rachel then asks Frank out. This is the part of The Bodyguard that you probably remember: the awkward romance and the really bad kissing.*


How much of the bad kissing could be attributed to Bobby Brown? Like, maybe Costner didn’t want to be too good at kissing her.

TECHNOLOGY/CULTURAL RELICS
- Could the Plot Reasonably Occur with Current Technology?
[+10] No, in fact, Frank and Rachel’s date shows how dated this movie is. The biggest pop star in the world dances at a saloon, watches a revival of Yojimbo, (Get it?) and stays over at this mystery man’s house, and no one else in the world knows about it. Rather than everyone taking camera pictures and tweeting her every move, she has a one-night stand with her employee, and no one in her camp even knows about it. Seven years later, there was an entire movie whose premise was how impossible that would be.

Plus, there’s a moment when Frank helps Rachel shop (your classic hold-my-purse-and-talk-to-me-through-the-fitting-room [+2]), and it looks like a consignment store. Can you picture Rihanna at some second-hand place trying on her own clothes and peeking over a curtain? Is this Rachel supposed to be a regular person?*


Swag swag.

References/Artifacts
The beginning and, after a ridiculous misunderstanding [+3], quick end of their romance is where the movie really goes off the rails. We get an over-long sequence at an AIDS benefit, during which the stalker gets a little closer, and Frank has to hide Rachel at his secluded cabin in the woods, far away from her world of flip-phones and walls of TVs [+3]. Because, again, no one asks questions when the world’s biggest pop star (and an Oscar nominee) vanishes from the public eye for a month at a time.

Everything leads up to a climax at the Academy Awards though, where all the stalker red herrings are finally resolved. I don’t want to spoil anything, but let’s just say that these Oscars are the fakest-looking since Naked Gun 33 1/3, and the final showdown involves a VHS-recording camera that has a gun hidden inside of it [+5]. And Frank might have to jump in front of a bullet for Rachel as she accepts her award. Not to spoil anything though.

- Hacking/Computers
None. How do you have time for computers when you’re busy being THE BEST THERE IS?

FASHION
Suspenders, wide stripes, double-breasted suits, banded collar shirts, light-wash jeans, pleats, and bolo ties. How have I not yet made an “I Will Always Love You” joke about flat-tops [+8]?

’90s FILM CONVENTIONS

Cutting Fruit with a Knife and Eating It Off the Knife [+1]

Celebrity Cameos [+3]- Robert Wuhl hosts this movie’s Oscars. That’s what we’re working with.

Freeze Frame on the Last Shot [+5]

OTHER
My biggest problem with The Bodyguard is that it doesn’t know what to be, so it tries to be everything. When it’s convenient, it becomes a romance, but their physical attraction comes and goes. It’s not really an action movie, but director Mick Jackson tries to jam in scenes to convince you otherwise—“Ruh-roh! Rachel’s son is trying to drive the boat by himself! Dive on top of him!” What’s that? A plate smashed in the background? Jump scare! And it’s not like this is some hack-job. The Bodyguard is written by Lawrence Kasdan, who WROTE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK AND RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK! I expected more.

And of course there’s the elephant in the room that the Costner-Houston inter-racial romance is supposed to be scandalous. I remember it being controversial at the time, but its controversy is only suggested here. I wanted the film either to be progressive or to be narrow-minded, not the middle ground it chooses. Would it be so difficult for Mike Starr to have one line like, “I see you like the dark meat”?

FINAL TALLY
It picks up at the end, but I struggled with the second act of this movie. The Bodyguard finishes with an 87. If you have requests for the next entry in The Quest, leave them in the comments section.

*- This can’t be understated. I wasn’t going to criticize Costner and Houston’s chemistry until I saw them kiss. They’re just rubbing mouths together, but they even kind of fail in that endeavor. I think he misses her lips. It’s even more inelegant than that though. It’s as if they’re in a Double Dare Physical Challenge, and they have to transfer slime from one face to another without using their hands. 
 *- At one point, a remake of The Bodyguard starring Rihanna and Channing Tatum was green-lit and then abandoned. I would actually love to see an update of this movie. I think it could work.