While I’m not an expert by any means, I’ve witnessed and participated in a fair amount of karaoke. Just last weekend, I bypassed lots of rookie mistakes and performed a slightly above average version of “With Arms Wide Open” to a Houston crowd on whom most of the irony was lost. (The bar didn’t have “Careless Whisper,” which is my default specialty.) I was…perfectly adequate. And in an endeavor as unforgiving as live singing over tracks in the style of popular artists, every person should be so lucky. This is…

Your Guide to Being Adequate at Karaoke

1. If You Can Sing, Don’t Worry about This List- A small percentage of the population—five percent maybe—can actually sing. If you’re honest with yourself, you know whether or not you’re one of those people. If you are, you can do whatever you want without any of these rules applying to you.

2. Some Songs Are Off-Limits- Based on degree of difficulty alone, some songs are ill-advised. Unless you are part of that five percent, you have no business doing “I Will Always Love You,” “Don’t Stop Believin’,” or any song not named “Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen. I appreciate the chutzpah, but you’re not going to come close to the original version of any of those. Don’t try.

(Showtunes are also off-limits, cat lady. No one cares.)

3. Know the Words- This seems obvious, but you wouldn’t believe how many people figure: “I’m sure my rendition of ‘La Bamba’ will go swimmingly. The words are right on this screen in front of me if I get into trouble.” You don’t know the words to “La Bamba,” bro. You know part of the chorus, and for the other seventy-five percent of the song, you’ll be glued to the monitor and boring your audience as you speed-read. If you don’t know every single word of a song—without reading from anything—do not attempt it.

4. Get In and Get Out- Especially if you’re doing poorly, your time in front of the crowd can feel like an eternity. Don’t make it worse by doing “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” or something. Keep your song under four minutes and leave the crowd wanting more. Or at least minimize your discomfort.

5. Forget Narrative Songs- In general, the more choruses a song has, the better. People want to sing along and get swept away. They certainly don’t care what happened to Bobby McGee. Even if the gradual development of the character and the irony of the final verse are the most profound things ever written, no one is really listening. It is not your job to expose people to great music they might appreciate; it is your job to deliver a song they already want to hear and not destroy it.

6. If You’re White, Rap Songs Are Dicey- First off, you probably don’t know the words. And even if you do know every word—not just “cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon”—White people doing rap songs always plays on the notion that White people should not be doing rap songs. That type of irony does not win over a crowd. If you’re going to do one, make sure that it’s not something obvious (“Baby Got Back” is outlawed.) and make sure that you can sell it. Even the most technically proficient rappers—and you’re probably not one of them—get by on charisma and force of performance. Tread lightly.

7. Go It Alone- I know. I know. “Islands in the Stream” says so much about you and your bestie. But chances are, you haven’t ever practiced it, and you don’t know who is going to sing which part, and you won’t effortlessly nail harmonies. You’re going to mess it up. If you’re the type who needs “all of your giiiiiirrrrrrlllllls” for support, you’re probably not strong enough to do this right anyway.

8. Put the Drink Down- Obviously, alcohol is a major component of all karaoke. That being said, having a drink in your hand restricts your movements on stage, and it seems like you’re making excuses before you’ve even started. Being drunk is acceptable and even encouraged, but go up as naked as the emotions you want to convey. Your beer can wait four minutes or less.

9. Read the Crowd- Nine times out of ten, all people really want is “Friends in Low Places” or some shit. What you listen to on your own time is not important. You know which songs people actually like; don’t pretend that you don’t. Don’t sing in a vacuum either: If two people have already done Madonna songs, don’t be the third. If someone did a hair metal song and received blank stares, don’t think yours will be any different. So much of this is common sense.

If you obey these basic rules, you will avoid cliche, embarrassment, and ill will. For example, the two shittiest karaoke songs of all-time are “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “American Pie.” Because they each break at least two of the rules listed above, you would never fall victim to their sway. I’ve just saved you a terrible night. You’re welcome, gentle reader. I will always love you.