Back by popular demand:

THE QUEST FOR THE MOST ’90s FILM OF ALL TIME
Mallrats

The film world has largely turned on Kevin Smith. Legend—his own preening, self-aggrandizing legend—has it that he’s shooting his final film, then taking his ball and going home, where he will lead a podcast network that preaches to the converted. He finds that preferable to facing the critics who question him and resent the wasting of his promise. Before the circus surrounding Red State’s Sundance premiere, the biggest news he had made in a decade was related to getting kicked off a plane for being fat. So it’s hard to flash back to 1995, when major publications mentioned him in the same sentence as Woody Allen. But it did happen.

Smith enjoys painting himself as the youngest son of Miramax, a pioneer of the ’90s independent cinema boom. And, granted, he did make a black-and-white movie with lots of talking and no conflict for $30,000. But as soon as he could, he jumped ship to Universal, who gave him $6 million to make a movie with lots of talking and no conflict—this time in color. That movie is Mallrats, and, to a thirteen-year-old who wanted the cachet of independent film but wasn’t quite ready for actual experimental art, it seemed like a welcome compromise.

STARS/PERFORMANCES
- Actors Who Are Unquestionably Tied to the Decade- Shannen Doherty [+10]
Although she’s the third lead, Doherty was prominently featured in the advertising and, hot off Beverly Hills 90210, was probably the reason the movie got made. Again, hard to believe.


The whole movie takes place in one day, but Doherty’s character changes clothes four or five times. Judging from her reputation as “difficult,” I’m guessing there was a clause in her contract that said she got to keep her wardrobe from the film, and she pushed for as many Silverstone boots as she could. What can I say though? I was always more of a Jennie Garth fan.*

- Other Notable Actors- Michael Rooker, Jason Lee, Jeremy London, Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, Jason Mewes, Ethan Suplee [+15- Max]
Mallrats is a true ensemble. Lee and London are two spurned lovers who spend a day at the mall trying to arrange for a reconciliation with their girls. But it’s way more convoluted than that sounds.

Here’s an example: The butt-cutted [+1] London plays T.S.—named such so that Kevin Smith can prove he knows about books and stuff. T.S.’s girlfriend broke up with him because her dad didn’t like him. Her dad didn’t like him because T.S. messed up the dating TV show he produces. (And it was a very special live episode shot at the mall!) T.S. messed up the dating TV show because the girl who was going to be a contestant died because she exercised too much. She exercised too much because T.S. implied she was fat. All of this information is conveyed in the first two minutes of the film, and it’s as exhausting as it sounds. Mallrats is one of those films in which a lot happens…but really nothing happens.


To keep down on costs, none of the stores are name-brand [+5]. As you can see, Smith tries to have a lot of fun with this. (Homosexual panic points: [+5])

True to form, lots of characters and hijinx keep our star-crossed lovers from being together. The mall is crowded because of a Stan Lee signing at the comic book shop [+3]. Mall security is breathing down T.S. and Brodie’s necks, knowing that they plan on crashing the dating show. Shannen Doherty seems to be hooking up with the manager of Fashionable Male, played by a brilliant, oily, straight-out-of-Boston Ben Affleck. Claire Forlani is struggling with an American accent. One character’s entire subplot revolves around HIS INABILITY TO SEE THE IMAGE IN A MAGIC-EYE POSTER [+10,000].

And, when we talk about Kevin Smith, we have to talk about his casting of people who are not actors. Sometimes it works. This is Jason Lee’s first speaking part, and he’s a natural. All of Brodie’s lines require shouting, but, as something like a proto-Charlie Day, Lee makes it work. Sometimes, as with Jay and Silent Bob, however, Smith’s instincts fail him. It’s always a power move to cast yourself, but casting yourself in a non-speaking but featured role? That’s kind of like e.e. cummings lower-casing his name and paradoxically drawing more attention to it. But there I go again, proving I know about books and stuff. Jay and Silent Bob are there for catch-phrase mongering purposes [+5] and not much more.


Stop trying to make “snootchie bootchies” happen. “Snootchie bootchies” is never going to happen.

TECHNOLOGY/CULTURAL RELICS
- Could the Plot Reasonably Occur with Current Technology?
I suppose [-10], but these characters would be even more insufferable if they were documenting their loitering on twitter.

- Hacking/Computers
No, but in Brodie’s first scene, he is playing with the Hartford Whalers on a Sega NHL game. That’s not only an outmoded game console, but a team that is now defunct [+5].

- Other Technological Notes
A few mentions of VHS and video stores [+2]. Other than that, there aren’t many cultural artifacts to speak of. If you want to count wood-paneled station wagons and air guitar, I’ll go along with it [+2]. I’d also like to mention the soundtrack, which includes Silverchair, Bush, and sweet Weezer B-side “Suzanne” [+3]. The soundtrack album cover? You guessed it: a Magic Eye poster [+5].


“Stay away from her…or else.” [+3]

FASHION
Now we’re talking. Every character in Mallrats seems to occupy a different subset of ’90s Jersey couture. Doherty has the Silverstone boots and babydoll t’s. Silent Bob pairs snapbacks and Doc Martens with shorts. Jeremy London is usually wearing more than one pattern at once, sometimes with deep flannel tied around his waist. Affleck wears baggy suits with henley-collar shirts. Even extras have lady blazers and double-breasted suits. [+15- Max]

’90s FILM CONVENTIONS
Wording Unfunny Things in a Joke Structure [+1]
People Getting Hit in the Nuts [+1]

The “Where Are They Now” Coda Lifted from Fast Times at Ridgemont High [+5]

Men and Women Can Be Just Friends [+10]- The relationship between T.S. and the Joey Lauren Adams character is the best thing the movie has going for it. (Other than the brief shot of Joey Lauren Adams’ breasts.) They used to be an item, and now they have a rich friendship without any lingering bullshit. This is a revelatory concept that the ’90s loved to expound upon, but it’s handled pretty gracefully here.

OTHER
I didn’t hate Mallrats, but it’s not the same movie now that it was when I owned it on video. It’s a bit contrived and forced. Parts of it (stink-hands?) feel like a first draft. But it does have an undeniable energy and captures a weird man-child period of your early twenties—a period that Smith, sadly, has never really moved on from.

Really, it’s just hard to believe that a studio would make this movie and assume it would be a success. It’s clearly a case of some executive going, “The kids love him!”

Mallrats scored a robust 96. If you have a suggestion for the next movie in The Quest, leave it in the comments.
 
*- In a joke, true. In real life, false. I liked Garth’s paleness, but I’m generally not a fan of blondes.