How many times have you heard some variation of: “Oh, I’m really smart and could have achieved so much more, but, you know, I’m a bad test-taker. I get nervous, and I just sort of forget it all, even though I knew it just a couple of minutes earlier! I threw up before the SAT. Seriously.”

Sure, dude. Look, I’m not saying that some people aren’t crippled by anxiety and affected by the expectations of high-pressure situations. But it’s quite coincidental that you “knew” everything before you actually had to prove that you knew it, then it fell out of your head. Is it possible that you thought you knew it because of grade inflation or something like that but, objectively, maybe you didn’t? Is that even possible? And if you have ADD, you were given extra time. What more do you want? For the test to not apply to you?

I’m not saying that you’re stupid if you trot out the “bad test-taker” defense, but there aren’t many obviously intelligent people who use that excuse. You’re not in good company, even if you are one of the rare exceptions in which this is true, so I don’t understand why people cling to it. I didn’t get perfect scores on the important standardized tests, but my scores were basically commensurate with how intelligent I am and what I’m good at. I can’t really argue with them. I’m not going to cop out with a line about how I’m not good at proving what I actually know.

Are the SAT and ACT perfect? Does they actually prove intelligence or predict how you’ll fare in life? No, I don’t think I’m suggesting that. But they’re two of the few universal benchmarks that we have. I do think they’re important, and I do think they say something about you if a) you completely—unexpectedly—bombed them, and b) you think they hold no weight as a result. If you don’t like it, don’t go to college I guess?

And what are you really saying with this defense? At the very least, you’re admitting that you have poor comprehension skills that can be destroyed given adverse circumstances. And in that case, your knowledge wasn’t worth much in the first place. When you needed it most, it wasn’t there.

If you’re going to bullshit someone about why your scores were low, I’d prefer the “cultural bias” route. That one I’ll hear you out on.

[Update: I caught Daniel Tosh’s Happy Thoughts this weekend, and he has a bit that’s really similar to this. I didn’t knowingly steal it, and I think having a thought process similar to Daniel Tosh’s should be punishment enough.]