THE QUEST FOR THE MOST ’90s FILM OF ALL TIME
Blank Check

In 1994’s Blank Check, a twelve-year-old with daddy issues mistakenly receives $1,000,000 of a crook’s money and has lots of fun spending it learns how to hate himself in the process. While you probably remember the B.M.F. montage sequences [+5], they only account for about ten minutes of the running time. The majority of the film concerns a kid pretending to be someone else, pining for a hopeless love interest, having no friends, and regretting his new life. The premise initially sounds like a kiddie Brewster’s Millions, but it stars a squinty, contrite kid instead of one of the funniest people to ever live. At eleven years old, when I tried to save $99 to buy this VHS before it was priced-to-own, I thought it was a fair trade.

STARS/PERFORMANCES
- Actors Who Are Unquestionably Tied to the Decade- Karen Duffy [+5]
Child actor Brian Bonsall—Andy Keaton on Family Ties—plays Preston, our covetous hero. His brothers are starting a business, and they plant a new Macintosh computer in his room (“How does it work?”) [+3]. How rude! And his life gets even worse! His parents don’t give him however much money he wants to go ride seven-token roller coasters at the birthday party of some kid he doesn’t even like,* and he gets so butt-hurt that he vows to make them all sorry. (Shades of Kevin McCallister’s damaged psychology.)

He tries to open a savings account with Shay Stanley [+1], the banker/undercover FBI agent played by Karen Duffy, who was in the process of parlaying an MTV VJ stint [+1,056] into a career of this and Dumb & Dumber. From then on, Preston is smitten and tries to have a romantic relationship with her? A tween millionaire cracking lobsters with a grown woman as she leads him on is probably the third or fourth creepiest thing in this film. Shay, maybe “it’s a date” is not the best choice of words. Preston, maybe you shouldn’t buy her a $900 necklace. Rupert Wainwright, director of this AND THE “STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON” VIDEO, don’t shoot them kissing, don’t—


Oh. You went there. Okay…

- Other Notable Actors/Characters- Miguel Ferrer, Tone Loc, Michael Lerner, James Rebhorn [+15]
Did I mention that the father in question is That Guy hall-of-famer James Rebhorn? As he is pushing away his son by having values and consequences, Quigley, played by Miguel Ferrer, is laundering a million bucks with the oily Michael Lerner. They set up a drop-off with his associate Juice [+1], played by the gravel-voiced Tone Loc. On Quigley’s way out of the bank, however, he crushes Preston’s bike and hurriedly gives him a blank check for the damages. When Preston writes in a value of $1,000,000 and is mistaken for Juice the next day, our plot is set into motion. (I have to hand it to the movie. This is done in a pretty believable manner. Blank Check has the same writer as Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!, so we’re clearly dealing with a research-heavy pedigree.)

TECHNOLOGY/CULTURAL RELICS
- Could the Plot Reasonably Occur with Current Technology?
No [+10]. An enormous plot point revolves around personal checks, which no one even uses anymore.

- Hacking/Computers
I mentioned the Macintosh, but it serves as more than just a computer. See, Quigley is buying a disgusting castle that exists in an otherwise suburban neighborhood, and he’s about to close. Until, in a strange coincidence, a newly-minted Preston calls in using his computer and outbids him [+5]. I think someone asks, “Hey, suspicious computer voice, are you a real person?” And he mumbles something about laryngitis. Rather than take the $100,000+ she is guaranteed from the man in front of her, the realtor goes, “Oh, suspicious computer voice that is alienating my other client and might not even be real? Going once…” When he closes the deal, Preston thinks on his feet and assumes the name of the computer he’s sitting in front of. Thus begins a movie of, “Where’s Macintosh? Uh…he’s in a meeting, but, uh…I’ll sign for that. Yeah, Macintosh. That’s the ticket. He’s real.”


Brian Bonsall looks like this now and has been arrested six times. “Beat my girlfriend? Who me? I think you have me confused with Macintosh. He’s—he was here just a minute ago…”

- Other Technological Notes
Of course Preston has a calculator watch [+1], and parents complain about long distance calls [+1]. But we have to focus on the slew of virtual reality and arcade cabinets that Preston buys with Quigley’s mil [+5]. When I was that age, I would have murdered my own parents for a personal arcade game, but I’m not sure that’s something a twelve-year-old would even want today. He would probably be angry that he could play only one game on it.

- References
Most of the references come courtesy of the Annoyingly Sarcastic Child Protagonist, who says things like, “Yeah right, and I’m Madonna!” or “You don’t get out much, do you, Dad?” [+3]. Preston’s goofy chauffeur, who ends up being his best friend, (Kill yourself and take the EZ Life license plate of your limo with you [+1].) uses slang like “buff,” “chiseled,” and “babe-meister [+3].

What I’d really like to share with you though is that director Rupert Wainwright employs a Right Said Fred song other than “I’m Too Sexy” for the film’s soundtrack [+1]. Let’s just stand back and appreciate a man like that.


Preston throws this huge, soul-crushing party to impress Shay, but it backfires on him. If you play this movie backwards, it’s The Great Gatsby: “So we beat on, virtual reality machines against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

FASHION
Cross Colors, backwards snapbacks, baseball jerseys, double-breasted suits, Reeboks, hooded t-shirts, overalls, hoop earrings, flip-up clip-on sunglasses, ponytails, flannel open to a t-shirt, bandannas, and leather jackets [+13]. Nicely done, Blank Check.

90s FILM CONVENTIONS
Peering Over Sunglasses on the VHS Box [+1]
Dutch Angles [+1]
Secret Handshakes [+1]
The “Too Slow” Handshake Fake-Out [+1]
Sped-Up Frame Rate for Comedic Purposes [+1]
Bad Guy Creepily Saying “Bingo” [+1]

Screaming in People’s Faces [+3]
Kids Apparently Not Having to Go to School Ever [+3]

Hanging Someone over a Balcony to Get Answers [+5]
Bad Guys Getting Hit in the Nuts, Followed by the Hero Saying “That Musta Hurt!” [+5]
Villains Explaining Their Entire Plan to the Hero but Not Killing Him When They Have the Chance [+5]

OTHER
If those last few items remind you of Home Alone, it’s because the movies share the same third act. The kid takes it upon himself to defend his house with homemade traps. In fact, this is the third entry in the Quest to share that same plot. Home Alone was like the Velvet Underground of socially irresponsible kids’ movies.

Blank Check notched 101 points, making it the third most ’90s film of all-time. I’m either getting more lenient with the scoring, or I’m getting better at learning that I get a channel called Disney DX that plays shit like this.

*- Not only does Preston not get to ride the roller coaster, he also gets splashed unwittingly while standing on the bridge [+1]. Whammy!